I suddenly realised how much i missed my Dad, and how much i loved him. Yes, it's totally random but it just suddenly came out. I was having a conversation with my Aunt on Skype and she was just telling me about her dream... about my grandma and my dad in the old 9-storey flat in Malacca, the one filled with many sweet memories? They were just there, in the room, and they knew i was in the UK. Just before Papa left the room, he turned, looked at my Aunt and told her that she must take good care of me...

I suddenly felt i was so blessed... I knew my Papa has always been my guardian angel.. giving me strength and protecting me all these while. My Papa was such a great man... who taught me many things even though we didn't spend alot of time when he was still alive. His character, just makes him such a charming person, glowing with confidence and such a responsible, hardworking and always with a positive attitude. Papa has just been there, silently, guiding me, holding my little hands, bringing me through all the experiences in life.

I miss him so much...

When we were little, he gave us, at least to me, the best childhood one can ever have. I think having a great childhood, just with pure innocence and just the love within the family has been an important building bloc of my life. It made me who i am, and what i am. Life was just simple and sweet. We used to watch shows in the master bedroom, and when we went to bed, i'll kiss my mom, and smell that beauty product she was using then which is still oh-so-familiar now. And i'll walk over and hold Papa's hands. I always feel a little awkward cos i felt so shy to kiss papa but sometimes i do... papa would stretch out his palm and i'll put my little hands into his. It felt rough, and big, and warm. It was nice.

I miss the way he called me 'moi moi'. How he used to horn after that U-turn he makes at the junction just infront of our house to announce his arrival to us at home. How he used to pick me up from school. How he used to carry my big and bulky bag, how he didn't mind the smell of sweat i had on my shirt, how happy i had felt whenever he arrived before we sang the national anthem before we were released. I missed how i used to lie across the seat at the back, and look at the big green trees down ECP, how he had drove off before i closed the door, how he was so angry when i hurt myself and bled while clipping nails on the way to the music examination, how he always told us his childhood stories and adventures.

I missed how excited and happy i was when i knew he was coming back from his business trip, and always looking forward to the goodies in his suitcase. We loved to open papa's suitcases.

I missed how papa used to carry me on his shoulders.

I missed the many trips we had to Malaysia on our Toyota Corolla.

Now as i think back on what Papa has gone through, i can't help but tear. He has been so brave, fighting the almost impossible battle with the devil that was growing inside, so positive in his attitude and his optimism and willingness to try all sorts of methods. It must have been so hard on him. Really. But he was always so patient. Seeing how frail my dad was last time, i was scared. When Papa had to move out to the living room to sleep cos it was so hot and it didn't help he wasn't very mobile then, my heartached. But it was just the better thing for him to do. Sometimes at night, i'll go to the toilet, and see him 'tossing and turning' sometimes', sometimes moaning in pain... I knew he was feeling really uncomfortable, but there was just nothing that i could have done then, at my young age of 13. I had always felt a sense of relieve when i finally see Papa closing his eyes and finally getting the rest that he needs, which was so hard to get.

There were nights that he had to ring the bell to get our attention to help him. We were always on our guard, and never dared to fall deep into sleep. I was quite sure papa must have felt so bad, and really so sad that he had to burden us to help him. Yes, he threw tempers, but was that too much? He must have felt so uncomfortable and frustrated with himself, and the 'trouble' he had to put us through... It was nothing at all. Yes, it might have been tiring then, and i had my frustrations then... but in my mind now, i never really blamed Papa at all. That was the least we could do.

There were times when Papa's leg's were so swollen, and his stomach so big. He just started to walk around in the living room, in circles. And there were times where i just sat down there watched him. I wished now that i could hold his hand and walked with him.

Papa's last time in the house. He told me and my mom where he put his documents and stuff like that. Guess he had a premonition? I could see the tears in Mama's eyes.He talked like he was never going to come back. There, the paramedics came. On the way to the hospital, in the ambulance, as i looked at Papa's frail body, how such a strong man had become so weak on a stretcher, on oxygen, barely keeping his eyes open, I turned away and i teared. It was just heartbreaking.

Following that, there were many visits to the hospitals. Almost daily, taking turns, talking to my Dad, eating together, spending time together, walking around together... You'll never have an idea how many tests he had to take, how many injections he had , and how many 'blood tests' he had to have. He was treated like an experiment. Practice 'blood tests' in the middle of the night... Denying him of any form of help if anything were to happen.. what was that? It's a life we're talking about! If i were any older and any more sensible, I would definitely have made this public. Can you imagine how many things were done to that frail body of my Papa's? Papa has been so brave and positive for us... It must have been so tough, and it must have felt so bad. And the lonely nights he had to spend in the hospital by himself.

At the hospice... Papa has always been praised for his optimism and is positive approach to life/death. Practiced Chi Gong everyday without fail if he managed to get out of bed on his own on days he was feeling better, joking as usual, independent... I remember once I was the only one in the room with Papa, because the rest have yet to arrive, i fell asleep. And I was woken up by something thrown onto my face. It was Papa. He needed help to get up to the toilet. He looked a little angry.. but i guess he must have felt even worse inside. Papa started to eat really little. And it's not a very good sign. And he always left the nicest things on the plate for us to try. And kept his favourite ice-cream for us. I think it was chocolate. It was tiring yes, but it still felt cosy, just that the setting could have been much better...

One day, just days before my exams, I haven't gone down to he hospice for sometime as i was preparing for exams. Got home in the evening and either mom or cousin called. Asked me to get changed and prepare to go down to the hospice tonight. Cos the Doc says that he might not be able to make it for the night. Previously, the doc has already told us to get mentally prepared that he might not make it through the week. I was shattered. Stunned and confused, i took a shower and got ready.

Many close relatives were there, talking to Papa. He looked good. Papa didn't like us to cry. He didn't like us to wear black or dark colours. He just didn't like us to cry. But as i stood quietly in the room as they were talking, i sometimes ran out to take a breather, or to secretly cry. I didn't want Papa to be upset when i cried.. Talking about food with his University friends, It was almost a deal to get him to go back to school to taste the food. We even asked the nurse. His friends, "It's a promise then,". Papa said, "Nope, it's half a promise.". I just burst out into tears.

Perhaps i just wasn't prepared enough for Papa to go. No, i was still young, and Papa has just been this great figure in my heart, in my life, in me. I just found it hard that i had to lose someone so dear to me. Friends and relatives left. Papa took turns to talk to us one by one, with just one of us in his room each time. He could barely speak. He was whispering, and always so afraid i didn't catch what he said, and kept asking me to repeat after him. It was my turn. All papa talked about was the wines and beers that he had? I later learnt that it was his way of telling me he was giving it all to me. He asked me to take care of them. And he told me that he really admired me. I guess i'll never have a chance to ask him why he did... Perhaps Papa was the only one who understood me the most.I knew he loved me the most. He doted on me.

And there. We fell asleep. Mom and sis in his room, by his bed, while brother and I went to the day room. Brother and Me was awoken at the same time. Minutes after, mom came to say Papa's gone. I realised.. It was no coincidence. It was Papa saying goodbye to us. As i walked through the corridor to his room... There he laid, with the oxygen still on. He was still. I tried to catch signs of life. I didn't think i imagined it then. I thought i saw him breathing. I was probably wrong when the coroner pronounced him dead. We quietly packed his belongings into bags. The man from the funeral parlour came. And they brought Papa away, just like that, wrapped in white cloth and twisted the cloth at the end. Just like that. I cried. They can't just take away my papa like that! Not like that! NOt just that...!

What happened after was just in a flash. Time seemed so slow but yet so fast. And after some rituals, they closed to the coffin, without us knowing. I felt really upset and angry then. Why hadn't they told us beforehand! But i guess it would have made things real difficult of us. There. Papa lying peacefully in there. Papa was finally gone.Forever.

I did one thing, the only thing i could do then to show how much i loved him.

Papa, you're my hero forever.

You're always in my thoughts.


I love u, papa.

Labels: Dad, life

Had a slice of pizza just now.

Was on SKYPE with my cousin and Iliyas came over to get me to Michael's. Tonight was better, more enjoyable for me, cos i totally can't and won't appreciate techno. haha. So it was just nice music and all. (; i love it. I love the guitar!! But it made me really miss my baby cos i really love how my baby plays the guitar.. for me.. :) *hugs* Aww. I really wish i was back home sometimes, to be crazy sometimes.. To be more comfortable? yea. It's not like i'm hating my life here.. but these people here are maddd about partying and please take my word for it, for a non-partygoer. Oh my gosh.. It's like

8pm - pre-party, some drinks and music, getting little tipsy
10-11pm - Party at some club/pub either at Union/town. Get crazy and dance like crazy.
2-3am - back, sleep
8am - breakfast!

It's amazing how my friends can get up for breakfast every single day and not be late for lessons! gosh am i a pig or what? but i think i'm quite normal! haha. Almost overslept again this morning, lah! lesson was at 11, i woke up at 1030. gosh. Crap, and my eye's swollen a little? Xinxin says it looks like an allergy. Dear also said my eye looked puffy. ): It is puffy and it is ITCHY!! hahaha. Baby asked me to STOP TOUCHING IT but it's like really itchy.. getting a lil better now though. I hope it heals fast. (:

The guys came over my room - guys as in like my block mates lah, not guy guy! cos Michael wanted to sleep, and they came over to have a look at my room. They were damn jealous lah cos my room is really huge compared to theirs. hahaha. i know.. and i love my big room! i can dance ballet in this room! put a piano and not feel squeezy! haha. (:

Well, I've been rather disciplined and like still very me here.. And i really love the crazy weather here. I know it's crazy but i love it~! really. It's damn cooling! haha. I know it's too early to say cos Winter's not here yet.. muahaha. we'll see. Think my family's really quite erm.. 'fang xing' with me, cos they can see i'm doing good, as usual i'm quite independent.

Well, i think it is important to know where and what exactly you are looking for in life.. and stick to it... You can never be someone else and no matter what happens to you or what you do, nobody is going to get it but yourself. So no matter what they say, it's really up to you whether you want to do it or not cos ultimately, it's your life that you are going to live with, and not others'. I think it is really a great experience in this SEP cos you get to see yourself better as well, and actually for me, i'm more focused with my life now.. as in really quite sure where i'm looking at to achieve and all that. Perhaps, with these new friends, i was able to move out of my shell and you know push myself abit further, building my personality, (hopefully?).

Well, I think the English people here are generally and i mean GENERALLY very nice and helpful. Though you know sometimes, u just can't help but feel that they do look at you with a different light. But i believe your personality shows through your actions as well as your face so perhaps it's just the initial stage i guess. I mean if you are good to others, showing respect for each other... It will be reciprocated. I really love it here, cos you can really be yourself. Everyone respects one another (at least that's what it seems to me). You can be a plumber, a repair man, a pizza delivery kid, whatever. Everyone gives each other the bit of respect that they deserve. Unlike back home, you feel as if you have owed them a million bucks. I mean it doesn't kill to say thank you/excuse me/sorry or to give a smile or render some help to some other who needs it right..? Ok, i know i'm yakking on and on now.

gosh. i can't wait for my exams to be over. haha i know this is crazy, knowing this is just the 2nd week. but oh my gosh!! i'm like on a holiday! and studying! hurrrr.

hope my envt change and ecological response will turn out alright. baaahhhhh.....

someone,

help!

i need to lose weight.



Gonna head back to my books for a while and get to bed.

Cheers.

I MISS CHILLI!!!!!!!!!!!!

Labels: life, SEP

so headache.. hai. have you wondered how it feels to live in a stressed environment at home? Facing black faces at home with no apparent reason? *sighs*

still finding that little space of myself, just peacefulness and quietness in my life. finding that balance and finding my little place in that imperfect world.. I don't want a life that requires me to live up to other's expectations all the time! i want and i need to have a life on my own! I don't want people to dictate my life!

sigh. baby i hope i can lead a happy and blissful life with you love! sob.

worried about Saturday man..! sigh. but i really need some time for myself, leh!

anw.. if anyone's interested in working part-time at the bakery, let me know. tell your friends/relatives yea. (: thanks loads. (:


love,
ling ying

Labels: life, Love, shop

Is the world really that materialistic?

What has our society turned into now? with humans made to conform to the 'social norms' and into economy generating machines? What's happening to the finer details in life? What's this life getting us into? hell? Why does everything revolve around money and power these days?

the answer?

Life's just unfair.

I'm not feeling sour because perhaps there is a million/zillion people out there in a better situation/position than me. It's because there's probably millions/billions of people who are doing worse than me, our stuck in the terrible cycle where money and power takes charge. The thirst for these 2 has indeed brought about much agony to many.

Life, is definitely more than that.

All humans that are born, are all heading towards one direction, and we all know that as humans we have to face death. I think that's a fact that we all should come to a common consensus, right? Why are people putting so much focus and attention on fighting for something that's only valid for one lifetime, investing their energy and efforts into building up their life and status only? Have they made preparations for the final destination?

Perhaps, some people would label me naive. But though baby's not a uni grad, and probably not gonna hold a degree, it doesn't really bother me really. I know i know.. money isn't everything but it is indeed SOMETHING, that i gotta agree. I wouldn't want to see the relationship turn sour due to money issues. But i'm confident we'll be able to work out a lifestyle that is suitable for us...

I know it takes more time for me too see things better, and i am open to it too.. I'm not trying to side him or anything, but i just feel that it's really unfair to label a person on his academic credentials and also by his wealth etc. hopefully u'll soon feel confident enough to face my family B... I know it's hard, perhaps it's a long and arduous journey.. but with a little effort and love, i'm sure we can do this together.

we'll work your future and ours out.


love,
LY

Labels: life, Love

went out with baby today.. (: hee. we went AMK to get my foodstuffs for my 21st party/gathering. hee. Threw a little bit of tantrum at him today because we actually missed 2 buses! baah. haha.. Day went well, bought clothes for the UK trip, checked out TVs and cameras... shopped for winter clothings.. (: (: had too much fun today.. (: More of such wonderful sweet days ahead dear! (:

had a shoulder to lean on while sleeping on the bus today. (: (:

Test Results

Your personality type is ISFJ.

Introverted (I) 61% Extraverted (E) 39%
Sensing (S) 55% Intuitive (N) 45%
Feeling (F) 70% Thinking (T) 30%
Judging (J) 77% Perceiving (P) 23%

ISFJs generally have the following traits:

Large, rich inner store of information which they gather about people
Highly observant and aware of people's feelings and reactions
Excellent memory for details which are important to them
Very in-tune with their surroundings - excellent sense of space and function
Can be depended on to follow things through to completion
Will work long and hard to see that jobs get done
Stable, practical, down-to-earth - they dislike working with theory and abstract thought
Dislike doing things which don't make sense to them
Value security, tradition, and peaceful living
Service-oriented: focused on what people need and want
Kind and considerate
Likely to put others' needs above their own
Learn best with hands-on training
Enjoy creating structure and order
Take their responsibilities seriously
Extremely uncomfortable with conflict and confrontation
ISFJs have two basic traits which help define their best career direction: 1) they are extremely interested and in-tune with how other people are feeling, and 2) they enjoy creating structure and order, and are extremely good at it. Ideally, the ISFJ will choose a career in which they can use their exceptional people-observation skills to determine what people want or need, and then use their excellent organizational abilities to create a structured plan or environment for achieving what people want. Their excellent sense of space and function combined with their awareness of aesthetic quality also gives them quite special abilities in the more practical artistic endeavors, such as interior decorating and clothes design.

The following list of professions is built on our impressions of careers which would be especially suitable for an ISFJ. It is meant to be a starting place, rather than an exhaustive list. There are no guarantees that any or all of the careers listed here would be appropriate for you, or that your best career match is among those listed.

Possible Career Paths for the ISFJ:

Interior Decorators
Designers
Nurses
Administrators and Managers
Administrative Assistants
Child Care / Early Childhood Development
Social Work / Counselors
Paralegals
Clergy / Religious Workers
Office Managers
Shopkeepers
Bookkeepers
Home Economics

hm. i'll pick nurses, child care/early childhood devt., social work and office managers.

hahaha! we'll see in a few years time. (:


IDEAS FOR MY PARTY?!

miss u baby. boo.

Labels: life, Love

Finally got my confirmation from Loughborough. Oh man, i can't really believe that i'm actually going for SEP and away from Singapore for 5 months plus.. Gosh.. hm i really don't know what to expect but i guess i'll have fun! But i'm so gonna miss my the people here over in Singapore.. Hee. i think i'll bring mini along with me too. hee. can finally let him wear some winter clothings! lols. I'll miss baby alot alot too.

Will prob be flying off the last week of august, which is kinda soon. Gosh i'm so dead. I'm so unprepared... Mentally and also unprepared in terms of all the paper work and all the packing etc.

FINALLY!! met up with Cyn, Mabs and Kel! Congrats to Mabs who passed her driving today! (: WheE~ cool... Waited for Cyn for a while then ate. I drank Mushroom soup and potato wedges which was yummy, as usual. (: A little pricey though.. but yea, it's ok after the 25% discount. hahaha. I'm so gonna miss veg clan for 5 months! Hm really worried for my mom man hope she can hire someone so i can at least try to train up the staff and that i can leave responsibly? Like today, i had to keep looking over to the shop, really scared that they cannot cope... And i had to leave before Kel could finish her food.. Felt bad hahaha.. and they bought stuff and even helped me to clean the racks and pack the cold fridge outside! aiyo..! hehe. thanks guys.. (: Today's a really v.quiet day.. Felt like i didn't do much also.. hehe. slack. Gonna sleep early... cos i'm planning to meet sis for lunch tmr.

Realised the dress i wore out that day seems a bit bigger now i think it's just my imagination.. haha gonna try it on again after it's dry...

Was feeling a little okay and thus was more chatty to my mom today. Really v.v.v.tempted to ask her about josh but i didn't even know where to start... sigh. Why don't they ask me about it? hms. really wish things will turn out okay in the end... Every body needs more time to see carefully and thoroughly the real side of their other half. (:

B, miss u. sad i didn't catch you online or receive any mails from you today.. ): But it's okay cos you'll be back by Friday! (:

*just 1/2 more days*

sighs... yes, or no?

Labels: family, life, Love, veg clan

met up with Laoshi today.. (: I was kinda worried but when i saw laoshi, all that fear was just taken away. She really gave me some real good advices. I need to take a more active role to help b and my family be okay.. it takes time but what does not break us will make us stronger. (: Finally, got to take a load off my chest... for so long.. i can finally let it out.. And get some real good advice... I hope things work out.. eventually..

Sob. B sounded really disappointed today when i told him about the WDA thingy. ): i'll make sure if it's the sch's fault i will definitely make them apologize... Anw.. i didn't want to spoil his holiday mood so i didn't want to discuss this with him.. oh yes!! I saw baby online just now! (: (: so qiao.. I seldom go on MSN these days and then i saw his 'bro' appearing online.. it was him!! (: hehe.. what a pleasant surprise. (: i'm glad i came online tho i'm damn tired..

Saw another pretty dress online... well, i think i'll have to see what i bought from puffy's first.. before deciding on anything else.. hehe. oh gosh. i LOVE shopping. (: <3

I'm kinda happy abt my party cos it's just gonna be like a get-together session.. (: hehe. any ideas what programmes i can have for my guests? (: please throw in any ideas lor! I'm like gonna do the cooking myself.. for my honoured guests... (: hehe. does it scare u? lols. i'm a good cook alright..! :p

i really wish baby will agree to come to the party i know it's hard for him to over come that fear.. we'll see how it goes.. *hUgs!!*

miss u baby. can't wait for u to be back.. (:

Labels: birthday, life, Love

Just a little girl in this world, still learning, growing, and experiencing life..
Keeping that little promise and agreement..
trying to be stronger.. ( :

happiness
health
semi-big bag
golden necklace
little miss CLUMSY
more intelligence

forbeautifulwomen

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photos
Mabel
LZ
Joyce Tan
Fabian
JK
Shaheeda