I suddenly realised how much i missed my Dad, and how much i loved him. Yes, it's totally random but it just suddenly came out. I was having a conversation with my Aunt on Skype and she was just telling me about her dream... about my grandma and my dad in the old 9-storey flat in Malacca, the one filled with many sweet memories? They were just there, in the room, and they knew i was in the UK. Just before Papa left the room, he turned, looked at my Aunt and told her that she must take good care of me...

I suddenly felt i was so blessed... I knew my Papa has always been my guardian angel.. giving me strength and protecting me all these while. My Papa was such a great man... who taught me many things even though we didn't spend alot of time when he was still alive. His character, just makes him such a charming person, glowing with confidence and such a responsible, hardworking and always with a positive attitude. Papa has just been there, silently, guiding me, holding my little hands, bringing me through all the experiences in life.

I miss him so much...

When we were little, he gave us, at least to me, the best childhood one can ever have. I think having a great childhood, just with pure innocence and just the love within the family has been an important building bloc of my life. It made me who i am, and what i am. Life was just simple and sweet. We used to watch shows in the master bedroom, and when we went to bed, i'll kiss my mom, and smell that beauty product she was using then which is still oh-so-familiar now. And i'll walk over and hold Papa's hands. I always feel a little awkward cos i felt so shy to kiss papa but sometimes i do... papa would stretch out his palm and i'll put my little hands into his. It felt rough, and big, and warm. It was nice.

I miss the way he called me 'moi moi'. How he used to horn after that U-turn he makes at the junction just infront of our house to announce his arrival to us at home. How he used to pick me up from school. How he used to carry my big and bulky bag, how he didn't mind the smell of sweat i had on my shirt, how happy i had felt whenever he arrived before we sang the national anthem before we were released. I missed how i used to lie across the seat at the back, and look at the big green trees down ECP, how he had drove off before i closed the door, how he was so angry when i hurt myself and bled while clipping nails on the way to the music examination, how he always told us his childhood stories and adventures.

I missed how excited and happy i was when i knew he was coming back from his business trip, and always looking forward to the goodies in his suitcase. We loved to open papa's suitcases.

I missed how papa used to carry me on his shoulders.

I missed the many trips we had to Malaysia on our Toyota Corolla.

Now as i think back on what Papa has gone through, i can't help but tear. He has been so brave, fighting the almost impossible battle with the devil that was growing inside, so positive in his attitude and his optimism and willingness to try all sorts of methods. It must have been so hard on him. Really. But he was always so patient. Seeing how frail my dad was last time, i was scared. When Papa had to move out to the living room to sleep cos it was so hot and it didn't help he wasn't very mobile then, my heartached. But it was just the better thing for him to do. Sometimes at night, i'll go to the toilet, and see him 'tossing and turning' sometimes', sometimes moaning in pain... I knew he was feeling really uncomfortable, but there was just nothing that i could have done then, at my young age of 13. I had always felt a sense of relieve when i finally see Papa closing his eyes and finally getting the rest that he needs, which was so hard to get.

There were nights that he had to ring the bell to get our attention to help him. We were always on our guard, and never dared to fall deep into sleep. I was quite sure papa must have felt so bad, and really so sad that he had to burden us to help him. Yes, he threw tempers, but was that too much? He must have felt so uncomfortable and frustrated with himself, and the 'trouble' he had to put us through... It was nothing at all. Yes, it might have been tiring then, and i had my frustrations then... but in my mind now, i never really blamed Papa at all. That was the least we could do.

There were times when Papa's leg's were so swollen, and his stomach so big. He just started to walk around in the living room, in circles. And there were times where i just sat down there watched him. I wished now that i could hold his hand and walked with him.

Papa's last time in the house. He told me and my mom where he put his documents and stuff like that. Guess he had a premonition? I could see the tears in Mama's eyes.He talked like he was never going to come back. There, the paramedics came. On the way to the hospital, in the ambulance, as i looked at Papa's frail body, how such a strong man had become so weak on a stretcher, on oxygen, barely keeping his eyes open, I turned away and i teared. It was just heartbreaking.

Following that, there were many visits to the hospitals. Almost daily, taking turns, talking to my Dad, eating together, spending time together, walking around together... You'll never have an idea how many tests he had to take, how many injections he had , and how many 'blood tests' he had to have. He was treated like an experiment. Practice 'blood tests' in the middle of the night... Denying him of any form of help if anything were to happen.. what was that? It's a life we're talking about! If i were any older and any more sensible, I would definitely have made this public. Can you imagine how many things were done to that frail body of my Papa's? Papa has been so brave and positive for us... It must have been so tough, and it must have felt so bad. And the lonely nights he had to spend in the hospital by himself.

At the hospice... Papa has always been praised for his optimism and is positive approach to life/death. Practiced Chi Gong everyday without fail if he managed to get out of bed on his own on days he was feeling better, joking as usual, independent... I remember once I was the only one in the room with Papa, because the rest have yet to arrive, i fell asleep. And I was woken up by something thrown onto my face. It was Papa. He needed help to get up to the toilet. He looked a little angry.. but i guess he must have felt even worse inside. Papa started to eat really little. And it's not a very good sign. And he always left the nicest things on the plate for us to try. And kept his favourite ice-cream for us. I think it was chocolate. It was tiring yes, but it still felt cosy, just that the setting could have been much better...

One day, just days before my exams, I haven't gone down to he hospice for sometime as i was preparing for exams. Got home in the evening and either mom or cousin called. Asked me to get changed and prepare to go down to the hospice tonight. Cos the Doc says that he might not be able to make it for the night. Previously, the doc has already told us to get mentally prepared that he might not make it through the week. I was shattered. Stunned and confused, i took a shower and got ready.

Many close relatives were there, talking to Papa. He looked good. Papa didn't like us to cry. He didn't like us to wear black or dark colours. He just didn't like us to cry. But as i stood quietly in the room as they were talking, i sometimes ran out to take a breather, or to secretly cry. I didn't want Papa to be upset when i cried.. Talking about food with his University friends, It was almost a deal to get him to go back to school to taste the food. We even asked the nurse. His friends, "It's a promise then,". Papa said, "Nope, it's half a promise.". I just burst out into tears.

Perhaps i just wasn't prepared enough for Papa to go. No, i was still young, and Papa has just been this great figure in my heart, in my life, in me. I just found it hard that i had to lose someone so dear to me. Friends and relatives left. Papa took turns to talk to us one by one, with just one of us in his room each time. He could barely speak. He was whispering, and always so afraid i didn't catch what he said, and kept asking me to repeat after him. It was my turn. All papa talked about was the wines and beers that he had? I later learnt that it was his way of telling me he was giving it all to me. He asked me to take care of them. And he told me that he really admired me. I guess i'll never have a chance to ask him why he did... Perhaps Papa was the only one who understood me the most.I knew he loved me the most. He doted on me.

And there. We fell asleep. Mom and sis in his room, by his bed, while brother and I went to the day room. Brother and Me was awoken at the same time. Minutes after, mom came to say Papa's gone. I realised.. It was no coincidence. It was Papa saying goodbye to us. As i walked through the corridor to his room... There he laid, with the oxygen still on. He was still. I tried to catch signs of life. I didn't think i imagined it then. I thought i saw him breathing. I was probably wrong when the coroner pronounced him dead. We quietly packed his belongings into bags. The man from the funeral parlour came. And they brought Papa away, just like that, wrapped in white cloth and twisted the cloth at the end. Just like that. I cried. They can't just take away my papa like that! Not like that! NOt just that...!

What happened after was just in a flash. Time seemed so slow but yet so fast. And after some rituals, they closed to the coffin, without us knowing. I felt really upset and angry then. Why hadn't they told us beforehand! But i guess it would have made things real difficult of us. There. Papa lying peacefully in there. Papa was finally gone.Forever.

I did one thing, the only thing i could do then to show how much i loved him.

Papa, you're my hero forever.

You're always in my thoughts.


I love u, papa.

Labels: Dad, life

Hi guys,

the last wk was not too bad, i actually brought people to that organic cafe again which is totally cool i tell you! though i seriously underestimated the time needed to travel there. haha.But it was good. god. the scone.. SUPER DELICIOUS!!! shall post pics up soon. Been quite busy, with what i don't know.

It was terrible for my block this morning cos we had 2 fire alarms. yes, TWO. damn. Some kids think it's so fun, came in, destroyed the notice board and started the fire alarm. Crap.C'mon, grown up man. you guys are in a University now. hurr.
childish kids. Hope we did well this fire alarm so there won't be another one. please please please..

Turned dark early this evening. it was just 6.30pm but it looked like it was 8pm. We had gale today, almost got blown away by the wind. haha. so funny i was struggling to walk back to my hall after the nice long 1 hour walk around Loughborough today. Cos i had to take pictures from this stretch of road, so i went down, and walked. Nice people i've met today. This old resident was with the dog and the dog's so pretty! it's 11 years old. and the resident was just chatting with me and all that.. Real cool. Totally made my day man. But meanwhile, there were again some childish young people who were driving down the road honking at me and shouting their lungs off. Such a big turn off but i decided not to let it spoil my day anyway..

Hope the pics are enough for the tutorial tomorrow tho.

sigh feeling rather sad now cos baby didn't sound good when we parted on msn.. hope he feels better... )":

update again soon.

missed dinner for a damn tedious tutorial. too lazy to go out tho i'ld like to have burger.having cappuccino muffin now which i got from dining hall. yummilicious. ;)

Labels: SEP

went out partying after high table last night, just came back few hours ago. damn.

n i had company for some hours.

my eye hurts so much now. damn.

and my heart feels so lonely now.



don't wanna feel the way i'm feelin now.

and no, i'm not sorry for what i've done at all.

damn.


just leave me alone.


freak.

aww.. it's Monday again! Thank god there wasn't any fire drill yesterday cos i was damn tired!

We went 'hiking' on Sunday by the way. Tall Paul's really nice, he organized a trip for us to go up to the highest peak in Loughborough, and to an organic farm! The view was just gorgeous.. the long walk there ~20KM was just worth it.. It was amazing... I'll post photos up photobucket soon. Putting them on facebook first though. *in the process* The organic cafe was real good, it was like those really traditional English place.. and even saw some old English ladies going there for their tea! (yum chaa!) haha. And they had these really yummy apple pies and scones and teas! just beautiful. ( :

my calves are hurting now.. and my knee too. something's wrong with my knee. damn.been limping around. Hope it gets better real soon. ( :

Oh man, high table tomorrow. I hope it'll be good.Hm.. Wonder how it will be like. ( :

Gosh, i managed to wake up for lessons today.. I was just so tired. Lecture was fine.. But tutorial, again cos it involved the use of like excel.. i was just *bleah* *shakes head* lost. Then i finally decided to do smthg about it cos i was damn blur last tutorial! I have to get to the lib soon to do my work. ): sigh. Wish me luck. It's not easy really!! boo hoO. Thanks Carm for helping me out while i was all stressed out. She's my life saver. ( :

Am going shopping tomorrow at Leicester. Real bad for the pocket but i'll try my best to restrain. I have to draw money tomorrow! damn. ) : Oh and i realised the reason why i haven't gotten my ATM now is prob cos of the address issue again. Sch systems says we are in Elvyn Richards, but we are in DC. damn. gotta go down to the bank tomorrow to let them know. sigh. hurrrr...

am attempting to study now. I hope i can!

eye's still swollen, but perhaps it's just a teeny weeny bit better. It's really gross. so swollen!


argh i love autumn!!

beautiful trees with all that colourful leaves!




baby's not well. and i'm so far away. ) : Sigh.
iloveu.

Labels: SEP

ok, they all went to party!

my eye's just starting to recover (hopefully) so i'm not going out just staying home! haha. Tidied my room up and cleaned it a bit. Looks much better now! hahaha. It was just a little bit messy. hahaha. looks much better now. (: i'm happy. hee.

gonna take my shower soon.

gosh, i didn't go for another lesson today.. cos i just can't wake up for 10am classes! how lazy i am. ok, i promise that'll be the last time already!!!!!! LY!!! hurr. so disappointed with myself. but other than that it's ok i guess. Had my first tutorial in class, managed to do some minor contributions to my group. ;) am proud of myself. yea. SPSS sucks man.. ): Hate computers! hahaha. I hope i'll manage to do it. Hope my groupmates will be alright man. I'm gonna do it when i'm in the library maybe during the wkends. (:

Anw... Tmr i'm not going to Oxford cos the trip was fully booked. damn. gotta plan another one for ourselves! (: But i'm going to leicester though. after brunch. hope it will be good! planning to do some shopping!! (:

Anw.. just found out..

for parcels, pls send it to

Lee Ling Ying
David Collett Hall (David Collett Hall 50)
Cogz, Bytes and parcel2pickup, Telford Way, Loughborough University, Ashby Road, Loughborough, Leics LE11 3TU.

and for letters,

Lee Ling Ying
David Collett Hall Loughborough University Loughborough Leicestershire LE11 3UE UK

Yup. Just in case.

ok, gonna shower now.


tata!


i like north-west England better. hee.

Labels: SEP

Had a slice of pizza just now.

Was on SKYPE with my cousin and Iliyas came over to get me to Michael's. Tonight was better, more enjoyable for me, cos i totally can't and won't appreciate techno. haha. So it was just nice music and all. (; i love it. I love the guitar!! But it made me really miss my baby cos i really love how my baby plays the guitar.. for me.. :) *hugs* Aww. I really wish i was back home sometimes, to be crazy sometimes.. To be more comfortable? yea. It's not like i'm hating my life here.. but these people here are maddd about partying and please take my word for it, for a non-partygoer. Oh my gosh.. It's like

8pm - pre-party, some drinks and music, getting little tipsy
10-11pm - Party at some club/pub either at Union/town. Get crazy and dance like crazy.
2-3am - back, sleep
8am - breakfast!

It's amazing how my friends can get up for breakfast every single day and not be late for lessons! gosh am i a pig or what? but i think i'm quite normal! haha. Almost overslept again this morning, lah! lesson was at 11, i woke up at 1030. gosh. Crap, and my eye's swollen a little? Xinxin says it looks like an allergy. Dear also said my eye looked puffy. ): It is puffy and it is ITCHY!! hahaha. Baby asked me to STOP TOUCHING IT but it's like really itchy.. getting a lil better now though. I hope it heals fast. (:

The guys came over my room - guys as in like my block mates lah, not guy guy! cos Michael wanted to sleep, and they came over to have a look at my room. They were damn jealous lah cos my room is really huge compared to theirs. hahaha. i know.. and i love my big room! i can dance ballet in this room! put a piano and not feel squeezy! haha. (:

Well, I've been rather disciplined and like still very me here.. And i really love the crazy weather here. I know it's crazy but i love it~! really. It's damn cooling! haha. I know it's too early to say cos Winter's not here yet.. muahaha. we'll see. Think my family's really quite erm.. 'fang xing' with me, cos they can see i'm doing good, as usual i'm quite independent.

Well, i think it is important to know where and what exactly you are looking for in life.. and stick to it... You can never be someone else and no matter what happens to you or what you do, nobody is going to get it but yourself. So no matter what they say, it's really up to you whether you want to do it or not cos ultimately, it's your life that you are going to live with, and not others'. I think it is really a great experience in this SEP cos you get to see yourself better as well, and actually for me, i'm more focused with my life now.. as in really quite sure where i'm looking at to achieve and all that. Perhaps, with these new friends, i was able to move out of my shell and you know push myself abit further, building my personality, (hopefully?).

Well, I think the English people here are generally and i mean GENERALLY very nice and helpful. Though you know sometimes, u just can't help but feel that they do look at you with a different light. But i believe your personality shows through your actions as well as your face so perhaps it's just the initial stage i guess. I mean if you are good to others, showing respect for each other... It will be reciprocated. I really love it here, cos you can really be yourself. Everyone respects one another (at least that's what it seems to me). You can be a plumber, a repair man, a pizza delivery kid, whatever. Everyone gives each other the bit of respect that they deserve. Unlike back home, you feel as if you have owed them a million bucks. I mean it doesn't kill to say thank you/excuse me/sorry or to give a smile or render some help to some other who needs it right..? Ok, i know i'm yakking on and on now.

gosh. i can't wait for my exams to be over. haha i know this is crazy, knowing this is just the 2nd week. but oh my gosh!! i'm like on a holiday! and studying! hurrrr.

hope my envt change and ecological response will turn out alright. baaahhhhh.....

someone,

help!

i need to lose weight.



Gonna head back to my books for a while and get to bed.

Cheers.

I MISS CHILLI!!!!!!!!!!!!

Labels: life, SEP

I went jogging last night. For half an hour with Petrca. It was good. But i wished i could run more though. The weather was really nice.. and for the first time in my life, i ran with a jacket. But well, i took it off in a while cos it was getting really warm? yea.

Today is Karate day.. And basically, apart from that 1-hr lecture, i didn't do much, but just karate. What was i doing?!

hm ok, on second thots... i managed to settle my bank stuff. Finally? yea. finally. Gotta wait for a couple more days for the ATM. But that's fine, i'm not planning to spend so much anyway. yep. oh my gosh, please.. just choose


ABBEY BANK!!


They are the friendliest, and the most helpful and courteous people you can ever find alright. Damn natwest. Really have a very bad impression of them now, lah! But Abbey is real good i tell u!!!! real good! gosh. I love Abbey bank!

There's a trip to Oxford this wkend.. Probably will go for it but the website is not recognizing my identity? Sent them an email hope they get back to me soon. I wanna go london too. Next trip, they're organizing one to Bath! gosh ! i wanna go BATH!!!! (: as in not bathe but Bath. maybe i can go Bath to bathe in those Baths? ok, that's not v.funny. -_-. lame.

Good. After Karate, i feel like i'm sleepy. haha.

gonna do some work before sleeping, hopefully.

Gosh.. i think there's like gonna be fire alarm later in the morning maybe 5am or somthing? damn. I wish i can get up and not let the hall down. Got my mates to like bang on my door and knock my door down or something.. hahaha. if not we will have to do it over and over again. Cheers.

oh, i've got a v.good drink. The Simpsons Friji Chocolate Fudge Brownie Drink! Damn, it's good. So is the MARS one. hahaha. i don't know i just love anything with choc. haha. Bought Maltesers too. They are damn good... and it's from the 1Pound shop! great. I'm so gonna buy more when i return to sg k!! for u guys! haha. maybe. ;)

Anw.. sighs. i hate Excel!!


*pulls hair*


i wish i can get over and be done with this damned programme.


boohoo..


how's things?


can't wait for Karate on Thurs!!!


I miss u guys.. and my baby dear. ; (


I need a pair of black pumps! damn!

so need to buy them soon i think.

Send me anything? Please.. except for shoes, anything should be edible k! so i don't have to bring it back.. hehehe.

David Collett Hall
Loughborough University
Loughborough
Leicestershire
LE11 3UE, England

put in my name LEE Ling Ying
and my mobile, just in case, 07748442558

i think that will do. i think. i'm not sure. but yea, i think so. ;)

Labels: SEP

gosh..

i overslept. and in a sense i was feeling something coming already.. maybe a flu or something.. so i guess i saw it coming? hahaha. I missed my one and only lecture today, went straight into tutorial and felt totally lost. The feeling is really shitty. ):

I feel bad cos i'm always like asking Carmelita stuff.. i'm like always a pace slower. lol. but i'll catch up. i'm sure i will... Anyway, practicals today is just.. rather...depressing fro me. sighs. I'm going down to lib later to print out stuff as well. Went down to pick up a book and the library was very crowded. obviously, when they only have one library for all to use.. I really love NUS library now.. With the RBR systems and stuffs like that.

Obviously skipped breakfast today.. haha. Got my clothes finally dried after a few days cos of the rain.. so i just lined them up along my heater in the room and rotate/take turns. haha. Think they're almost done now. (: Bought those hangers that u know, just hook on the door kind.. and it didn't quite fit my door so it's now on my cupboard door.. take a pic later for u all to see.. haha. And it's a bit ugly but whatever.. as long as its useful. (:

I'm going on a diet. Yes. I am. I'm just gonna have salads for dinner this week. I know i can and i will. (: Been doing like 40-50 sit ups each night and cycling in the air etc. hahaha. Tmr i have KARATE!!


i love kuunnnggg fffuuuuuuu!! haha.really excited about it though.

Have a feeling the fire drill will be tmr night. -_-. I hope i can get up. haha.

It's not so cold today.. just about 13 degrees. yea. still fine with it. as long as the wind doesn't blow... it's perfectly fine. haha..

i so need to study.

i mean i so need to travel.

haha. ok...




gosh. my last year now..

chiong ah!!


i finally spoke singlish the other day... with Iliyas and we were contemplating to get Stef to speak singlish as well.. cos she's an Aussie but her parents were born and bred in Sg. hahaa.

i'm so full, as usual.


baby went to work today. Didn't get to speak to him though ):


Miss u. and of course, miss u guys back in SG!!!


4 more mths and i'll be back!!!

i've missed breakfast at the dining hall for 2 consecutive days! haha can't believe i can be so lazy.. Been oversleep-ing and slacking too much! haha. Gosh, everyone seems to be procrastinating and pushing back their readings and stuff! haha. I might pop by the library later, something i've been wanting to do since MONDAY!! and it's already Thursday today, by the way. hahaha.

Just came back from lunch.. Food seems to be getting better and better by the day, hopefully.. But same things goes.. potatoes, and potatoes, and potatoes.. nah.. they have tomatoes cheese, pasta, bacon, sausages, sandwiches, salads, deserts fruits etc etc. hahaha. Yea.. I miss my char kway teow and my laksa! haha. The food here is just like same taste.. no surprises at all. haha.

Bought my loughborough University Hoodie yesterday! and i love it! pictures up in a while yea.. haha. They ran out of XS for this colour so i just got the S one.. Works as well. (: i like bigger hoodies anyway. haha. (: i'm beginning to love this colour more and more haha. Cos it's unique. (: Instead of the usual grey and navy blue. Well, Petrca got one really nice colour that i wanted so much to get too but i reckon this will be better afterall, no matter how much i liked the other colour as well. If it was cheaper, i would have gotten two colours. haha i'm crazy about it now. ;) It's nice to see how everyone's wearing it as well..

Campus is nice, lots of greens and walking pathways, been walking like crazy, if i hadn't said this and it's good exercise for me as well. So cheers. haha. Been raining and today we had HAILSTONES!! gosh! I finally felt it! like small droplets of snow. Gosh it's so fun to have Hailstones! They just look like small ice cubes very tiny ones.. and hurt just a bit more than those big drops of rain we have back home. But they are cute. Too bad i can't capture it. But yay! I experienced it! ;) oh, as i was saying... (getting too carried away with the hailstones thing saga) Yea, weather here is nice, and cold, but it's like comfortable? Rain then sunshine rain then sunshine.. You can't imagine at all. Just rain for a couple of minutes. Then the next moment it's sunshine. The wind here is really great too.. And u can see how fast clouds can move sometimes.

Going back to do my bank account. Yesterday was crap. baah. hope i can get it done later on at the students' union. Going with Iliyas later on. And i have my one and only lessons at 5-5.50 later on at the computer lap. Sigh. I HAVE A 5 DAY WK!!! I still haven't gotten over it yet. ): 5 days! how sian can it be.. But the very least i have company for all my mods.. so cheers.

Finally, i got my exchange stuff settled. and i'm freakin' glad. I'm super happy!!!!! I love it!! I can concentrate on my studies now haha. Yea.

K, gotta go now..


Cheers.


Everything alright back home?

Selamat Hari Raya!!

Just a little girl in this world, still learning, growing, and experiencing life..
Keeping that little promise and agreement..
trying to be stronger.. ( :

happiness
health
semi-big bag
golden necklace
little miss CLUMSY
more intelligence

forbeautifulwomen

.

photos
Mabel
LZ
Joyce Tan
Fabian
JK
Shaheeda